Resources – Intimacy

On-Line Resources

For a good, although somewhat dry, explanation of what attachment theory is all about, the National Institute of Health website sums it up.

For a classic 2-minute video on  “stonewalling” or “the still face” this You-Tube clip by Dr. Edward Tronick is great.

An on-line assessment of your attachment style can be completed here.   The ECR-R was created by Fraley, Waller, and Brennan in 2000.  Background on the ECR-R and on attachment in general can be found on Wikipedia.

Lot’s of other on-line self-assessment tools can be found here.

Recommended Readings In EFT

** Look for the “**”  symbol for my “short list.”

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**An Emotionally Focused WorkBook For Couples, by Veronica Callas-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald. This is the workbook I often recommend to the couples I work with.   

 

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** Love Sense, by Sue Johnson.  Sue Johnson created EFT, and this is her latest book about it.  EFT is my main approach in working with couples, so if you want to deepen your understanding of what we are doing together in treatment this book is a good resource. Research clearly documents that of all the approaches to couples therapy, EFT has the best outcomes. This book was written with the goal of helping couples in conflict understand and change their relationship.   This book will be the “standard” resource for laypeople interested in EFT.  No one book says it all, but  this one is a must read.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Sue Johnson.  This book was Sue John’s first book ago inut EFT for the general public.  It was the “standard” resource for laypeople interested in EFT until she  published Love Sense in January 2014. This is a great supplement to Love Sense.

Hold Me Tight For Dummies, by Brent Bradley and James Furrow.   For those who like a more linear, power-point kind of approach to learning a new topic, this is the book for you.  This book is clearly written and takes a straight-forward approach to explaining the basic concepts of EFT in a way that is easy to grasp.  

Link to Wikipedia Article on EFT

Recommended Readings For Making Yourself a Better Partner,  so ALL Your Relationships Will Improve:

Anger, The Misunderstood Emotion, by Carol Tavris.

The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, by Randy J. Paterson PhD.

Mistakes Were Made (but not by me), by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson.

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith

Recommended Readings by Other Great Therapists:

**The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide, by  John Gottman. Nice pointers on relationships.  There is a lot of overlap in the Gottman books, so I suggest you browse them in the bookstore or on Amazon, and select the one that you think is best for you.  No one book says it all, but  at least one book by John and/or Julie Gottman ought to be on your short list.

And Baby Makes Three, by Julie and John Gottman.

The Couples Companion: Meditations and Exercises for Getting the Love You Want  (1994), by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt.

**Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendrix.  This is an oldie but goodie by the team tat created the first really good approach to working with couples.  While it is a little date, this book has a lot to teach about the inner dynamics of all relationships and how to make them work better.  No on book says it all, but this book ought to be on your short list.

**Keeping The Love You Find: A Guide for Singles (1992),  by Harville Hendrix. This is still the best book for single persons trying to understand the inner workings of relationships, and what they need to do to prepare for intimacy. A must read for singles.

**Tell Me No Lies: How to Stop Lying to Your Partner and Yourself  (2000), by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson. An excellent section on Affairs. A must read for those recovering from affairs.

Ten Lessons To Transform Your Marriage, by John and Julie Gottman.

**The New Rules of Marriage (2008), by Terrence Real.  No one book says it all, but this book ought to be at the end of your short list.

The Seven Principals For Making Marriage Work, by Julie and John Gottman.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and How You can Make Yours Last, by John Gottman. Technical and research based.

The Narcissistic Overvalue/Devalue Cycle – a great short article

Esther Perel’s TED talks on Sex, Fidelity, and Passion.

Recommended Readings on Divorce and Separation:

The Good Divorce, by Constance Ahorns

Healthy Divorce, by Craig Everett and Sandra Volgy

Fighting For Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, by H.J. Markham, Scott Stanley,  and Susan L. Blumberg.

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce , by Gary Newman

Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci

Divorce Busting: A Step By Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again,   by Michelle Weiner-Davis.