Unwanted Sexual Behaviors

There are certainly some sexual turn-ons that do not work well, or work poorly for some people.  Some erotic fantasies  are best left as fantasy, if that.

Among the common problems that people or all orientations and genders  come for help with are:
  • Betraying a partner by breaking a promise or agreement about sex
  • Enjoyment of on-line pornography that gets in the way of friendships and intimacy.
  • Problems with sexual performance, such as intense anxiety, lack of enjoyment or pre-mature ejaculation.
  • Obsessing constantly about sex as a way of avoiding intimacy or difficult feelings like sadness and anxiety.
  • “Sexualizing” all aspects of all relationships, when it is inappropriate to do so.
  • Having a sexual turn-ons so unusual that it is difficult to find a partner, in which case the person may want to  expand their sexual repertoire.
  • When an erotic preference is enjoyed by one but not both of a couple, causing great conflict.
  • Difficulty in self-acceptance or coming out to intimate partners about an atypical desire.

And clearly sexual desires that involve non-consenting partners,  including minors, are  a problem.  When not acted on these desire may cause chronic stress.  When acted on they considered unhealthy forms of sexuality, if only because of the harm this behavior does to others and the grief they lead to for those who engage in them. These are labeled as  disorders by the APA in DSM 5.0.

Erotic fantasies which are truly dysfunctional for a person, or sexual behaviors which need to be changed or abandoned, are often complicated with layers of guilt and deep shame. Coming to terms with these fantasies and behaviors requires setting aside the guilt and working though the shame.   True self-understanding brings self-acceptance.  As long as guilt obscures the understanding of unwanted behaviors, working to change them is like working in a dark fog.  This is all easier if you are working with a therapist who you know is comfortable and affirmative.
You deserve to work with a health care professional who is knowledgeable, experienced, compassionate, respectful, and affirmative of your sexuality and gender!  

Dr. McConnell is a member of:

  • The Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Sexuality (CARAS)
  •  Leather Leadership Conference
  • The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

He is on the referral database of:

  • The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)
  • Kink-Friendly Therapy
  • San Diego Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center.